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Moving abroad is an adventure filled with possibilities. It can feel exciting and liberating but sometimes it can trigger a wave of unexpected emotions: a touch of shame and isolation, and a nagging sense of feeling in the ‘out crowd’ or a feeling of inadequacy that you don't really want to admit to out loud. 
Leaving behind loved ones, navigating a whole new language and culture, and facing career pressures in a new country can leave you questioning your choices and feeling like you don't quite belong anywhere. Especially when you're also grappling with the shame of seemingly abandoning your old life, this experience can be particularly isolating. Friends and family might not understand your motivations, leaving you feeling judged or like you're running away from something or you may be the partner feeling displaced and uncertain of your new meaning and purpose. 
 
But that little voice telling you you’re ‘not good enough or deserving of this new experience’ is a liar. You are worthy. And seeking support can help you to break free from this cycle and build a fulfilling and connected life abroad. 
Understanding shame 
Shame is a powerful emotion. When it hits it can hold us back in many areas of our lives. It whispers a dangerous message that ‘you’re not good enough’ and can make us feel it's not ok to be who we are. Like we’re human doings rather than human beings and no matter what we do, we are never good enough. 
 
When we feel ashamed, we may be afraid to take risks, try new things, or put ourselves out there which can mean we purposefully stay stuck in our current situation, even if we're not feeling happy or fulfilled. And, if you’ve just made a huge step like relocating, it can have you denying yourself of new experiences because you don’t feel like you deserve them. 
 
How shame manifests itself 
The shame experience is different for everyone. But for many expats, it can: 
 
Leave you feeling disconnected from your loved ones back home, especially if you’re struggling to build new relationships. 
Create added strain in existing relationships. Spouses and partners might struggle to adjust to new cultural norms and career demands, leading to arguments and misunderstandings. Maintaining friendships across continents can also be challenging, with time zone differences and busy schedules making communication difficult. This can lead to guilt and resentment on both sides. 
Exasperate the stress of adapting to new customs and languages, leading to feelings of inadequacy. You might feel like you're constantly making mistakes, struggling to understand social cues, or simply not measuring up to the standards of your new environment. This can be particularly difficult if your new culture is very different from your own. 
Raise questions about your identity and purpose. You might wonder who you are in this new context, questioning your values and goals. This can be especially true if your career path takes a different turn abroad, or if you find yourself surrounded by people with very different life experiences. 
Manifest as an immense pressure to succeed in a new work environment. This pressure can be compounded by cultural differences in work styles and expectations. You might feel like you constantly need to prove yourself, leading to anxiety and burnout. 
 
Building a fulfilling life abroad 
The good news is that shame doesn't have to be your defining expat experience. It might not feel like it, but it’s your choice whether you listen to that voice in your head telling you this is just how things have to be. So, here are some steps to break free from its grip and build a sense of belonging in your new home… 
 
Acknowledge and embrace the journey. Suppressing shame only fuels it, so instead acknowledge your emotions, understand why you feel this way, and practice self-compassion. These challenges are a normal part of the expat experience. 
 
Stay connected with loved ones back home through technology and regular visits. Help them understand that your journey isn't about abandoning them, but about personal growth by scheduling regular video calls, sharing stories and photos with them, and planning visits when possible. 
 
Embrace the learning process. Cultural adjustments are like climbing a mountain – it takes time and effort. But, by embracing the learning curve, being open to new experiences, and celebrating your progress, the journey will feel so much more enjoyable. Every interaction, even the awkward ones, is a step toward understanding and integration. 
 
Find your community. Connecting with other expats or locals who share your interests can offer invaluable support and a sense of belonging. Explore online and offline communities – join expat groups, clubs related to your hobbies, or language classes to meet new people. 
 
Replace negative self-talk with affirmations that celebrate your courage and resilience. Remind yourself of your capabilities and adaptability. Regularly remind yourself of the reasons you chose this path (maybe write them down and display them somewhere you will regularly see them) and focus on the positive aspects of your new life. 
 
If you're struggling to cope with shame or any other emotional challenges, don't hesitate to seek help. Consider therapy with a professional who specialises in working with expats. An expat therapist can provide a safe space to explore your challenges, develop coping mechanisms, and build strategies for navigating cultural differences and relationships. 
 
Remember, you are not alone. We're here to support your journey. 
 
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